Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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