the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
