you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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