upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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