got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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