Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
