thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
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we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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