I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
