chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He shit in the fireplace
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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