the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
