apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
