Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
