Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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