Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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