Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
