nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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