He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
