I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
