u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
