he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
