Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
