I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
