Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
