1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
