At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
