She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
