Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
