my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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