you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
