It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
