my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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