mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
