Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
