Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
