im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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