a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
