You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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