Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
