I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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