What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We named our party play list daddy issues
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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