Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
bring money and cleavage
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
