Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
