tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
