Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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