So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
