your parents love me but you hate me
My friends, they love my intelligence
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
