You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
