If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
