Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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