So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
