Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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