As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
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My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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