he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
